and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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