do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
