he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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