I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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