Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He better not be in your backpack
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
