I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
