I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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