He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
