so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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