I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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