if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
