This house was built for laser tag.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You left your phone here
Wait...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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