mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How external is "for external use only"?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize