i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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