you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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