Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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