Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
