I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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