My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
