Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
