Moan for me like Helen Keller
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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