Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
