I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
