someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
