i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
