I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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