Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
