you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
