my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
