can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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