Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
