I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
