I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
