Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
