I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
