someone get that fucking seahorse.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
