Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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