so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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