My hand turned me down
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
