do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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