Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
