it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
