Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
