i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
