so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
