you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
