I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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