did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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