Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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