My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
