got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
