hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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