the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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