i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
