it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
