Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
