ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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