And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
