I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
