remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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